Satire is mightier than the sword

All of the ink used by numerous commentators in deploring George Bush's presidency--including my own*--has probably wounded him less than the book Destined For Destiny: The Unauthorized Autobiography of George W. Bush. When I first spotted the book at my local public library, I wondered how an autobiography could be unauthorized; but, as I glanced through the book, it didn't take me long to realize it was a spoof. It is cleverly put together by Scott Dikkers, editor of The Onion, the satirical newspaper, and Peter Hilleren, a producer of radio and TV shows.

* My most recent postings about Bush have been My apologies to Presidents Coolidge and Hoover, posted 3/25/07; One man out of our 300 million has brought this on us, 1/29/07; and The tragedy of the George Bush presidency, 12/18/06.

Selecting excerpts from the book is exceptionally difficult because I find myself wanting to quote everything--the book is so humorous from beginning to end. It is dedicated to "the faith-havers."

In an "Introduction" by Dick Cheney, the VP says "I advised the President that this was not the appropriate time to release a book containing highly classified information which may compromise our nation's security...This was my view based on the evidence, and had nothing to do with the fact that the President had still not given me an autographed copy of the book, for which my feelings were deeply hurt." Later he describes Bush as "...the finest President who has ever occupied the White House. His fortitude in the face of evil has been, frankly, kick-ass." Cheney ends the "Introduction" saying: "Now I must conclude my remarks, and turn my attention back to my official responsibilities here in the underground bunker...I am working diligently to perpetuate the permanent state of war...Now, please go fuck yourself."

In the first chapter, entitled "Like 'Roots' Only White," Bush includes in a description of his ancestry: "My father met my mother at a debutante party when she was 30. He was immediately enchanted by her horse-like beauty, her forceful nature, and her immense stature. She loved his gangly limbs, and his rugged upper-crust Connecticut standing."

Following his birth, an announcement was sent out which read:

Join us in our Joy as we celebrate the blessed birth of our son
GEORGE WALKER BUSH, born July 6, 1946.
Date: August 17th, 1946
LOCATION: The Dallas Marriott Ballroom
Cost: $1000/plate
RSVP
CHOICE OF ENTREE: Sirloin___ Spare Rib_____ T-Bone_____
All proceeds to go into the Bush Election Campaign Fund

A "Third-grade report card from Midland Elementary School," dated May 26, 1954, is pictured. it shows letter grades put in by the teacher having been doctored by the young Bush: a C- in Arithmetic has the "-" converted to C+ by a downstroke over it, a D- in Civics changed to an A+ by writing over the D and making it into the A and putting the downstroke through the "-" as before, and several others.

In a chapter entitled "The Clown-Faced Zombie I Call My Wife" Bush tells of the reception following their wedding:

During our first dance, Laura looked at me with her empty red eyes, and reminded me of my promises to her. She whispered tenderly into my ear "I will eat your soul." I smiled at her and said, "You are my clown-faced zombie, now and forever." And our covenant of love was sealed.

In the chapter "My Name Is George W. Bush and I Am Not an Alcoholic" he writes of his youthful boozing:

During one memorable incident when I was in high school, I drank some Texas Firewater straight from a bootleg still operated by a classmate...In another instance I awoke in the bed of a pickup truck somewhere and did not know where I was...But after forty years of this kind of good cheer, and an inclination to toast in times of triumph, it was time to face the hard truth: I did not have a drinking problem...The day I realized that I was not an alcoholic changed my life.

Probably the funniest of the funny is in the chapter "The Greatest Love of My Life: Jesus." He got started on the path toward his born-again-in-Christ epiphany by "the celebrated prophet Billy Graham...He looked like a frank-incensed Wise Man...His piercing eyes had the effect of searing right through a person like holy lasers." Bush then began attending a men's Bible study group at the Houston Hyatt hotel, where he discovered Jesus:

He was standing there, on the other side of the crowded room, smiling at me...I felt my heart skip a beat, as they say. I examined Him closely. He wore a tattered rag-like robe. His skin was a slightly darker hue, like that of the East Indian or the mulatto. And He had a face like that of the movie star Mel Gibson, but more Jewishy...Jesus then stood and walked over to me, and He said, "Give all you have to the poor and follow me."

For an instant, Bush thought of calling hotel security because "I did not know, in those days, if Jews were permitted in the Houston Hyatt." But, as he talked with Jesus, he realized:

From that day forward, I have had Jesus in my heart. I especially agreed about the part about eternal life. If you simply accept Jesus as your personal savior, all sins are wiped clean. It is all automatic. There is no memorization. No forms to sign. No outlay of capital. You just say "Jesus, come into my heart," and He takes you. It is that simple.

There is a centerfold section of 21 black-and-white photographs of Bush at various times in his life, with Jesus in each picture. He is like the Biblical pictures of Jesus--long hair and beard, flowing robe, and a wreath around his head. He holds the 8-month-old baby Bush, he is with him in his Yale baseball uniform, as he holds his twin daughters at the moment of their birth, as he is sworn in as president in January 2001, in the Oval Office, giving his famous "Mission Accomplished" speech on an aircraft carrier in 2003. .

Jesus was very helpful during Bush's campaign for the presidency in 2000. "In my daily bullpen sessions with Jesus, we would strategify about the day's events and how best to get the message across. Jesus would give me strength during those stressful times. He would remind me of my purpose, telling me that I was God's puppet on earth..."

When Bush had to select a running mate for the nomination as the Republican presidential candidate in 2000. His father had told him "to choose someone who seems less qualified than yourself. Someone who, by comparison, makes you appear to be a seasoned and wise leader."

I then turned to Dick Cheney...I asked him to search the land to find the imagined prince my father had described, the great second-in-command of my destiny. Dick Cheney conducted a thorough search, and found only one worthy candidate: himself. I happily accepted, because I trusted his impartial judgment.

Following his election to the presidency in 2000:

God had made me His instrument on Earth...I knew He would help. He would surround me with the wisest men in the land...The Lord would send Heavenly helpers in the form of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfield, Scott McClellan, and John Ashcroft. These were the Angels who were sheperded by the Lord to serve in my administration.

He says of the Abu Ghraib prison situation in Iraq:

America does not torture. Therefore, military justice was handed down swiftly against these wrongful torturers. We started at the bottom and worked up the chain of command, all the way to the top. The highest-ranking official in the promotion of torture was Private first Class Lynndie England. A court of military justice found that she was solely responsible for the shameful abuse of these prisoners. She was found guilty and is currently serving her prison sentence.

Criticism of the Commander in Chief is not to be tolerated:

Criticism of the Commander in Chief is the greatest security threat we face in the 21st century. This is one of the vital lessons we learned after 9-11. Such open questions brought comfort to our enemies abroad, who hate us and want to destroy our democratic values.

Could any straightforward denunciation of Bush's policies and his actions have more effect than the satire in this book? I doubt it. There is no better way to take down anyone, any group, or any opinion than satirizing them. There is no defense against satire.