Football-wise a mixed weekend

Another week, another big upset. Syracuse's 38-35 win over Louisville (number 18 in the country) on 9/22, while not quite as stunning as the Appalachian State defeat of Michigan a few weeks ago, certainly isn't far behind. Syracuse (my wife's alma mater), a three-time loser until last Saturday--12-42 against Washington, 0-35 against Iowa, and 20-41 against Illinois--caught fire in the Louisville game. Their 38 points in that game were more than the total of their scores in their three preceding games.

Some of the total points by both teams in Saturday's games looked like basketball scores, with many in the 70's and 80's. Two exceeded 100 points: Hampden-Sydney 56, Guilford 49 and North Dakota 63, W. Washington 42. At the other extreme, Monmouth 6, Carroll 3 registered only 9 total points.

Otherwise, a bleak Saturday 9/22. Almost all of my favorite teams lost: North Carolina, North Carolina State, Towson, and Maryland; the only consolation was Columbia's beating Marist 31-7. While Columbia beating anybody is a cause for joy, only so much pride can come from beating up a little team with not much more power than that of a prep school.

The Baltimore Ravens almost blew a 20-3 lead over the Arizona Cardinals yesterday--they had to get a field goal with zero minutes left to win 26-23. Coach Billick and his assistants must have a lot of horseshoes, rabbits' feet, and four-leaf clovers to have the luck they have had in their last two games--against the New York Jets on 9/16 and again yesterday against the Cardinals, pass receivers on those teams dropped catchable passes at crucial points which, if caught, could have brought defeat to the Ravens.

"When constabulary duty's to be done, a (restroom) policeman's lot is not a happy one"

That old Gilbert and Sullivan ditty might well apply to the undercover cop in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport, who has become a figure in the news.

I wonder how he got the assignment. Perhaps he was promoted by his superiors to the head of the class.

He has a good chance to do a lot of reading. He could probably finish War and Peace while on duty.

During his workday he probably has to really use the bathroom. If he gets a shoe tap and a hand signal from the next stall while doing that, how does he handle it?

He would have been perfect for those old black-and-white quiz shows of the early days of television, To Tell the Truth and What's My Line?

In To Tell the Truth, three individuals with somewhat similar appearance would say something like "My name is Joe Blow and I am the head pots and pans scrubber at the White House." One would be the real guy and the other two fakes. By asking questions of the individuals, the panelists (usually three or four well-known individuals) would each vote on his/her choice as the real Joe Blow, following which the real Joe Blow would stand up and the two fakes would each give his/her real name and occupation.

In What's My Line?, an individual would appear with the host, John Daly, and give his/her name--like Joe Blow--and, as I recall, say where he/she lived and some other minor detail, like he/she was a Yankees fan. The TV audience (but not the panelists) would then be told that Blow was the head pots and pans scrubber at the White House. The panel, usually consisting of Dorothy Kilgallen, Arlene Francis, and Bennet Cerf, would pose all kinds of questions--like "Do you make a product or provide a service?"; if a service,"Do you touch the people you provide the service for?; if a product, "Is the product smaller than a basketball?" The panelists would then each make his/her guess about Blow's occupation.

I can see now three young men (the cop is reported to be age 29) on To Tell the Truth standing up and saying, "I am X, undercover police officer at the Minneapolis airport...." Or on What's My Line? and the TV audience being told who the guy is and the panelists probing him with questions.

I wonder if he takes a laptop computer with him while on duty to keep up with his e-mail, maybe to take notes for a duty report to his superiors, or whatever. I bet he could get a deal with Readers' Digest for an article titled something like "My Beat in the Men's Room", which he could write while actually on the beat.

I read somewhere that he has a master's degree from college. I suppose some of the courses he took were "Restroom Surveillance 302", or "Cruise Control 405", or "Foot Signaling 206."

When he gets home from work and his wife asks, "How did your day go, Honey?", I guess he might say, "Well, I collared a clergyman, a banker, and a doctor. The clergyman offered to pray for me to get a promotion from this crappy job, the banker offered me a job as chief security officer at his bank, and the doctor offered to treat me free-of-charge if I ever get claps from sitting on these toilet seats. I busted all three, they were a shoe-in."

Small-school football prostitutes

For many years small-college football teams have been like prostitutes--letting themselves get beaten up by powerhouse teams from the big schools, all for money. This usually happens at the beginning of the football season, with the games played at the homes of the big schools. The big schools get to warm up (and send in the scrubs, to give them a chance to play, after the first teams have run up a big score); the small schools, as compensation for their beatings, get to take home handsome revenues from the game, their share of the revenues from ticket sales and TV contracts. These revenues often go a long way toward funding all sports programs--football, basketball, baseball, and the minor sports (for male and female students)--for the small schools. They go home bloody but richer.

Some outcomes of these contests on September 1st this year were: Louisiana State 45, Mississippi State 0; Boise State 56, Weber State 7; Cincinnati 59, Southeast Missouri State 3; Penn State 59, Florida International 0; Louisville 73, Murray State 10; Florida 49, Western Kentucky 3; Oklahoma 79, North Texas 10; and Alabama 52, Western Carolina 6.

But once in a blue moon the prostitutes beat up their johns. This happened on September 1st this year when little Appalachian State University, from its mountain stronghold in tiny Boone, North Carolina, went to Ann Arbor, Michigan to take on mighty Michigan, rated number 5 in the nation last year. (Michigan is in the I-A division of the college teams--the major schools--while Appalachian is in the I-AA division--the smaller schools.) As usual, Michigan was supposed to thrash little Appalachian and send them home bruised and bloody.

BUT APPALACHIAN HADN'T LEARNED ITS ROLE: IT RAN AWAY WITH A 34-32 VICTORY. The way it drove 69 yards with 1 minute, 11 seconds left in the game (and no more time-outs to use) to get into position to score a field goal, and then block an attempted field goal by Michigan in the closing seconds, made it one of the most exciting games in football history. Sports writers all over the country have let the prose fly in describing the game as the greatest upset in football history--which is certainly a reasonable claim. I was drinking a margarita while watching other football games on TV when I suddenly saw Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32 stream across the screen along with other scores. I couldn't believe it; I thought the tequila in that drink must have been stronger than I realized. Then it came across again with a breathless announcer saying it had really happened.

Although I didn't watch the game because it wasn't televised in my part of the country, I am sure, had I watched it in progress, I would have thought it would have been the most exciting football game I had ever watched. (I would have been pulling strongly for Appalachian.) I have learned over the years never to say "I will never see another game this exciting!" I said that after the Baltimore Colts 23-17 victory over the New York Giants in the National Football League championship game in December 1958 (the first time in professional football that there was a sudden-death overtime to break a tie). That game has been frequently referred to as "the greatest game of football ever played." Even though I was a young man in excellent health at the time, in the closing two minutes of the game, with the Colts behind 17-20, I thought I was going to have a heart attack, an emotional breakdown, or both if the Colts couldn't score to win. They did, and I was drained of energy for several minutes after it was over. I went through much the same excitement when North Carolina State (for whom I was heavily rooting) came within a hair of winning in the closing seconds of their game with Ohio State in September 2003. NC State was behind 38-44 with the ball first and goal on about the Ohio State two-yard line, with enough time to score, but couldn't get the ball across. Again, as in 1958, when the game ended I was limp from yelling and screaming, and said that this game was about as exciting as the Colts-Giants one. Of course, the team I was rooting for didn't win in 2003; also, it was not a championship game, as the 1958 one was, but it was as exciting. Now, I am saying that, had I been able to watch the Appalachian-Michigan game in progress, I would probably have said that it was the most exciting one I had ever seen.

So, I repeat: never say never.

This year, 2007, has seen not only the Appalachian State upset of Michigan, but also the Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles by 30-3 in August--the first time in 110 years that a major league baseball team has scored as many as 30 runs in a game.